里程碑的一天

前天跟昨天﹐糟透了的兩天﹐尤其昨天﹐因為前天的事﹐結果昨天發酵﹐我完全不知如何面對﹐沮喪到極點。我自己也沒想到﹐忙到了七點多﹐準備回家了﹐在我的背包裡﹐找到了那神秘消失的Pre-AP班模擬考答案卷﹐我竟整個人一下子就清醒了﹐也不再那麼難過﹐因為我終於清楚來龍去脈﹐不再覺得完全失控那種惶恐。原來這過去的兩天﹐我基本上是完全失去了自己對一切的掌控﹐所以﹐我怎麼樣也不知道那整疊考卷哪裡去了﹐是因為在腦子裡完全沒法track what had happened﹐那讓我極度不安。等到昨天晚上要回家了﹐才在背包裡看到那疊考卷﹐我忽然之間﹐就什麼都明白了﹐明白那一切不是我的錯﹐一旦原諒了自己﹐我也就往前走了﹐至於BB的評論﹐我已不在乎﹐她說“I was fairly distressed for what I saw”﹐這已不重要了﹐我找回了自己﹐就不必在乎她怎麼看我。我再度清楚知道自己能做什麼了。

其實﹐我最怕的就是不知道自己在幹什麼﹐而過去的一整個禮拜﹐從星期一開始就這樣﹐MQ從加州來﹐我忙到8點鐘﹐趕去看她﹐跑陌生遠路又很晚回家。連著三天課後訓練。學生早﹑午晚都到我這來家教﹐白天學生完全失控。我二﹑六兩堂的planning 又被徹底剝奪﹐難怪我什麼事也不能做﹐一切都失控。

昨晚﹐終於冷靜下來﹐我找到傑兒﹐真的不能相信他這麼成熟懂事了﹐也許﹐美國文化的正面鼓勵人﹐真的讓人長大後不一樣﹐他能做到的﹐我做不到﹐我跟他說﹐我對BB對我的成見非常沮喪﹐而且已經認定我永遠輸了﹐我永遠也不可能贏回什麼﹐也不可能贏到她的尊敬跟信任。沒想到傑兒居然立刻很肯定地說﹕“Yes, you can, there is a way.”我問他 how﹐他說﹕“You just do what you need to do and don't give a damn about what others think of you.”, 他講的道理這麼簡單﹐可是對我而言﹐卻是非常非常難的事。像我們這樣一輩子活在被別人評分的價值裡﹐很難這樣瀟灑不在乎。由於怕被別人打低分﹐我成為自己最嚴厲的評分者﹐我總是不給自己好過﹐最不讓我過去的就是我自己。

不過﹐昨天﹐我真是學到了很多﹐我也整個人輕鬆起來。我相信情況不會更壞了。昨晚我給凱西跟凱拉寫了一封信﹐叫她倆K1﹐ K2 吧﹐我把那信貼來這裡﹐給自己記下這很特殊的一天。它應該是mark 了一個里程碑的一天﹐希望這之後﹐我就可以往前大大地邁進一步了。

昨天﹐是 Home coming day﹐但因為發生的事﹐這高中非常特別的一天﹐我竟然等於完全錯過了。下午三﹑四點左右﹐當時我正在打電話給溫蒂韓森﹐她真的很好﹐也很理解﹐我很感謝她﹐是她在電話裡提醒我﹐應該要立刻放下電話﹐至少出去看看街上遊行是什麼樣子﹐我才走出門﹐非常驚訝地發現陽光溫和又美好﹐秋天的陽光﹐沒有炙人的威力﹐只有溫暖﹐而街上人們那麼熱鬧開心﹐我才知道﹐原來﹐不論任何時候﹐走出門﹐外面其實一直有一個陽光世界。

Dear K1 and K2:

It was a very difficult day for me, I truly want to thank you two with all my heart for your understanding, support and help.

I learned a very big and very precious lesson today and I believe that I have re-gathered myself all together again.

It was not easy, I felt so knocked down, I felt so overwhelmingly "broke". I felt like I did not know how to put myself back together again. But miracle does happen, I just want to share this part with you two, because not only I consider you two as my mentors, I also know you are my friends, this is about life, not just about doing things on job.

Today, I finally found that whole stack of answering sheets that had been mysteriously missing since yesterday. It was indeed the cause of the whole mess. When I found it, all of a sudden, I realized that it is a lesson God taught me, I learned to see the fact, and learned to forgive myself. It was only when I learned to forgive myself that I can release myself from that terrible negative thinking pattern and to move on. I learned that it really was not my fault. All I have to do is just to learn to deal with panicky situation when things do not go as planned.

I was not ready for that at all, because I am always planning things to the very detail in hope that everything is under control as the way it should be. When things do not go that way, I need to learn how to deal with it, that's it. There is nothing wrong with me, I am just a regular person like any one else in the world, no one is perfect. When I make a mistake, I need to forgive myself first so I can move on instead of trapping myself in the self-blaiming mode for so long.

As for BB's negative opinion against me, I don't worry about it any more, I found that it's not important whether I can earn her respect back or not, it is important if I believe I can do the job.

Now, I have gained my confidence back again. I took all your advices for me today, I have put the objectives on the board, have got the calculators all ready, things like that, I feel I can do the job again.

I have to thank my 20-year-old son Michael for one thing; today, I talked to him and told him every thing, and I said: " I feel so bad that I think there is no way I can win when people had already formed a hard negative opinion against me." what he told me was very precious, I think I start to see that is the deep positive American culture that he grew up with that made him this way, this is something I had hard time to think, but I am learning. What he said to me was: "Yes, Mom, there is a way, just do what you need to do and don’t give a damn about what others think of you.".

I think Kathy had told me this same thing earlier, but I was so overwhelmingly sad that I could not hear the wisdom of this thought. But thank God that I heard it again from my own son when I started to be able to hear things clear again. And it all happened when I started to forgive myself.

I hope I can show Kathy a positive image Monday, and I think I can now. Well, if things go wild again, I will just treat it as another day and be positive and keep the hope for the second day.

A friend of mine who was in tracking team once told me, one important thing they got trained in the team is how to get up right away when you fall, it's not whether you are going to win or lose at the end that is important, it is whether you can always get up right away when you fall. I always try to plan every thing to the perfect level to avoid falling down, so when I actually fall, which really does not happen often at all, I had hard time to get up right away, but today, I learned that this is something I need to learn as quick as possible now.

Well, that's what I truly want to share with you. I thank you two for everything with all my heart.

As far as for that mytery of the missing packet, well, if you care to know, here is the story. I graded them Tueday immediately and got it planned to start the students for correction on Thursday. Wednesday were crazy, I had the whole stack on my desk the whole day that I had that strong impression they are safe on my desk and every thing would go as planned.

But Wed afternoon, I had that GT tranining, students came for tutoring, I ran at the last minutes, so I had every thing on my desk into my backpack and ran for my class, I was going to do homework that night. And that night, I had a whole big stack of info from the training too that I was too tired to touch them.

On Thursday, I would have got every thing out from my back pack in the morning if I had time, I would have seen that packet, but the students came to tutoring right away, I got absolutely no time to put anything in order.

I was planning to do so during the 2nd period, had I had that chance, I would have found my packet also, then things would gone smoothly too. But I was called for that roll meeting right then, at that moment, all I could think of was that I need some copies for my next class that I had to run for it and run for the meeting, so that packet was completely out of my mind.

My last impresson about that packet was it had been sitting on my desk since Tuesday. So when I could not find it, I was panicky. Had BB not come in that day, I would have faced the reality right in front of me and go for it. I knew how to handle it, just like I finally did. But she walked in at that moment, she took over the class and that actually put me back to my panicky mode that all I was thinking was trying to find that stupid packet.

Now you see, that's when I finally learned to forgive myself. I was not given any opportunities at all to put anything in order as the way I would want. So, I should not blame on myself that much any more, I just have to learn to deal with the situation in a more efficient way. Well, the detail does not matter, but the lesson I learned from it matters.

I appreciate you two so much that you believe in me and always want to help when I need the help. I do feel positive now, and I know I can do the job now. I will just take one day at a time.

Thank you. Have a great weekend.